My Greatest Enemy is Within

"The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." FDR - First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933

I once googled, "Why do I get angry for no apparent reason?"  This is a problem that frequently afflicts me.  I'll just be sitting there, doing my thing, and suddenly I will feel angry.  Nothing has happened to provoke it, or so it seems.   There is no great trauma in my life.  Often my thoughts have been focusing on a fantasy I was imagining.  Admittedly, my imagination often chooses to indulge unhappy scenarios:  unrequited love, people making fun of me, etc.  I may be a Jedi Knight, but I picture myself fighting with Padme Amidala.  In fact, I have grown to really loathe this character.  It isn't because of anything that George Lucas created the character to be...but what my own mind has used her for.  Every time I pick up a book, I hear Padme say, "That is a baby book! It's trash! Why don't you read intellectual books?"  I go out to do an errand, and Padme says, "You aren't going out in those clothes, are you?  You are such a slob! And you smell!" (I don't smell, but I imagine her saying this). When I am Harry Potter (well, I changed his gender to a girl and called myself Cassandra), I imagine everybody saying that I am a liar and crazy.  They don't trust me, and yet they expect me to solve all their problems.
My mother thinks that my inner Padme, for example, is actually something like a conscience.  It is more like a social conscience.  It is the part that is aware that people may judge me by my appearance, and so it does keep me from falling into horrible slobbery.  I may go out in a t-shirt and boxers still, but at least I have stopped going out with spaghetti stains.
I was actually surprised that I found a reply on google for my question.  Not that I lack faith in google--it often answers my questions.  I just didn't know how common it was for people to be angry for no reason.  I was also surprised that the answer it gave didn't involve chemical imbalances or repressed emotions, which were the explanations I always had.  Instead, it said that anger that arises for no apparent reason is often a symptom of anxiety.  This is one of those things that should have been obvious, and yet it was a breakthrough.
I had anxiety attacks frequently as a child.  I thought I had outgrown them.  I stopped having episodes where I couldn't breathe--which was the usual manifestation I had.  Instead, though, my anxiety took a different form--anger.  I've been paying more attention to my thoughts lately, and I have been shocked to discover that the majority of my thoughts revolve on my fear and insecurities.  I do not doubt that this has had a negative impact on my life.
For one thing, it has definitely been responsible for me being a practicing underachiever.  For years, I never would have labeled myself an underachiever, but recently I realized this was what I exactly was.  I constantly started things I never finished.  I had my excuses, of course.  I got sick.  Life got in the way.  I lost interest.  However, these excuses--plausible as they may have seen--were actually hiding the true culprit.  I was too stressed out to finish what I started--if I started it at all--because I was too afraid.
I am a very sensitive person.  My environment and other people really affects me.  I always view myself like a radio receiving signals or like wet cement--everything makes an impression.  People often like me a lot.  I've always been a person that was noticed and got a lot of attention.  This could be very nice, of course--but it usually wound up stressing me out too.  Sometimes I feel like people are actually vomiting on me.  I've always wished I could put a shield to protect myself, but I haven't learned to do this successfully.
I had wondered what had happened to me.  When I was younger, I often dreamed about traveling and trying many things.  Of course, as I've gotten older, I've gotten more practical--and it is only natural that I would discard some of these dreams.  However, I realize that as time has went by, I have allowed myself to become consumed by fear.  I thought I had lost interest in many things, but I realize that the desire is still there...but my fears are blinding me to my own desires.
I am now 38 years old.  It is such a late age to alter one's lifestyle.  Can you really teach an old dog new tricks?  Your habits tend to be well-formed by this age.  Battling one's mind is difficult even when you are young.  And yes...if you want to know, there is a history of child abuse.  My fears are not totally without cause.  Another complication is that my memory about my past is still blocked.  Sometimes I don't even remember writing my diary, though I know it is mine.  My fears actually convinced me not to try things because I never remembered them anyway.
I do want to try and reclaim myself. I admit I don't how to go about it.  I do wonder if I don't need professional help.  I don't know if I can do this on my own.  Yet, I can't really afford it.  I am sensitive to medication.  For now, I will take preliminary steps on my own...but I might need professional help.
I have actually found one way of helping me overcome my fears.  When I started making videos for Youtube, one of the benefits was that I could do things that normally I was frightened of doing.  I started projects, and I finished them.  Though I was intimidated by the prospect of painting my mom's car--crossing gender roles and doing a "guy" thing--I did begin and finished this project.  I fixed an electrical plug, even though I am scared to death of electrical sockets (and in the past, often took fifteen minutes before I could plug in a vacuum cleaner).  Somehow, I feel a commitment when I am performing in front of a camera.  The only failure I had was with my diet, but everything else has been successful.  The diet failed because my fears became worse when I stopped consuming sugar and caffeine.
Sometimes I do worry about how much I am putting of myself on the internet.  There are so many concerns about identity theft and stalkers.  Yet, this is therapy for me.  This is what helps me reclaim the person that I once was--what I had started out as.