Um...Okay, What the Heck Do I Say? A Reflection on The Problems of Communication
Recently, I gave a link to a blog that is written by a friend of mine's son, who has autism. The young man hopes to spread awareness about autism and help people understand it better. As he is very articulate, I felt he has a good chance of succeeding at this.
However, when he did a post on what not to say to a person with autism, I have to admit that I was left scratching my head, "Okay...what can I say to them, then?!" Some of the replies that were put on the no-no list were what would be considered the perfectly polite response. I was worried that what I had said in my blog when I gave the link would be considered offensive, which was upsetting because I had meant to be helpful. It left me with a gnawing anxiety and a fervent desire I would never meet anyone with autism since I wouldn't know the right thing to say to them.
I was a little nervous writing to my friend and suggesting her son do a post on what a person can say. I was afraid I'd come off as sounding critical and even worse as sarcastic--even though I tried to put it tactfully. Yet, I saw a problem that I felt needed to be addressed.
I'm a person that has social anxiety disorder. I always worry that I'll say the wrong thing. When I started helping non-natives learn English, I started realizing how many problems can arise with communication. Communication isn't just with words--we rely a lot on tone and facial expressions. However, tone and facial expressions vary according to culture--which can really cause difficulties with intercultural relations. I always get stressed out by my Haitian neighbors because I think they are arguing (by their tone), but I think they are actually having a conversation they are enjoying. Then there is language--many stigmas and negative concepts can be associated with words, but this may not always be mentioned by a dictionary. For example, the word taciturn was once used by someone I was tutoring to describe a friend who was very quiet. Taciturn is an adjective that describes a quiet person, but the word has a negative concept associated with it which makes it a bad word to use to describe someone you like. Then there is the differences in social etiquette, which also is different according to culture. In American cultures, we want people to meet our eyes. We doubt their honesty and they generally make us nervous if they don't. In other cultures, though, this is considered very rude. Frankly, I'm always amazed that we don't have more wars and misunderstandings considering how much can be misinterpreted and misunderstood with these language barriers.
People who are handicapped, who suffer from mental or physical illness or from some other disability can present different problems that can interfere with communication and lead to misunderstandings. When I was growing up, I was given the message that a person was supposed to ignore these problems and treat these people as you would anyone else. It was rude to acknowledge that people were in a wheelchair or were blind, etc. I think this message was meant to be good, but it caused many problems. The fact is, you need to acknowledge obvious problems that people have. We are supposed to treat people as we would want to be treated, to remember their basic humanness. However, it isn't polite to ignore the fact that someone is deaf and turn your back on them and continue talking. I can do this with a hearing person, but it presents a problem if someone is deaf. You need to make adjustments sometimes when you are dealing with ill or disabled people. Sometimes it is just an adjustment in concepts. If we rely on facial expressions to communicate, then we have to make adjustments for people who suffer from facial paralysis. Besides, trying to ignore something that is so obvious can cause a lot of stress.
Our world is becoming a lot bigger. We are exposed to more varieties of people. We meet more people from different cultural backgrounds. We also meet more people that suffer from mental and physical problems. However, this can cause a lot of social stress because we constantly have to adjust our concepts of etiquette. The fact is, there are many situations that we still don't know how to deal with.
This was the problem I saw with the recent post. If he took away what was considered the polite responses, then he needed to provide something else in their place. Some of our social niceties may not be sincere or perfect, but we rely on them--particularly when it comes to breaking the ice with a new person. If people don't have some sort of social protocol on how to handle a situation, they are going to get stressed out. Getting stressed out often leads to either them avoiding the person that causes the stress or it results in hostility towards that individual.
I'm sometimes amazed that I do as well socially as I do, considering my problems. I am generally well liked and even admired. Sometimes I think the social anxiety has been beneficial because it opens my eyes to problems, even though sometimes I'm not always good at applying my understanding to others as I do to myself.
Maybe it isn't a coincidence that since I suffer from social anxiety, I also tend to suffer from anger problems. I'm not proud of it, but it is something I constantly have to deal with. In social situations where I encounter a misunderstanding, I usually get embarrassed. I get frustrated that 1) I didn't know ahead of time that a behavior or words that I used would cause offense--why didn't I know that?!! My God, I'm so stupid! and 2) I get frustrated that I didn't communicate what I wanted to successfully. The next reaction I have is to get angry, which is unfortunate. I get angry with myself, but it isn't too long before I get angry with the person I had the misunderstanding with. I think it is because anger is a balm to the wounded ego, even though it actually is more destructive than helpful. If you can cut down the person, you can feel better about yourself. If you feel rejected, then you can feel justified in hating them. Sadly, I think this is actually a very common response in people.
A lot of my fear in social situations is rooted in the stress that I'll make a mistake. I have to admit that I spend many times wanting to run away from people, though I'm forcing myself to socialize. What is helping me through it is the realization that it never is as bad as I imagine it, and even if I do make a mistake...generally, it is possible to smooth things over with an apology and explain yourself.
Several months ago, I encountered a situation where I was out of my comfort zone. I had gotten into a line, not realizing that the cashier was deaf. I'm taking sign language, and I'm usually good with social situations (yes, it is ironic, isn't it?), so my mom said, "Okay, you're up." I was panicking. I only knew a few signs in sign language, and none were helpful: cat, big, money, bathroom. I couldn't tell whether the girl had an implant and could hear, or whether she was totally deaf. Is it rude to sign if they can hear? I didn't know! I wanted to get into another line, but that seemed rude too.
I had wanted to take sign language because I thought it was a beautiful language. I loved the idea, being someone who likes quiet, that you could talk without speaking. However, I had never met a deaf person. To compound the problem, much as I loved the language, I was stressed out by the facial expressions. The deaf rely on exaggerated facial expressions. I was uncomfortable doing these because in the hearing world, the same expressions would be used in mocking someone. I understood why the deaf used them, but I had a hard time unlearning my prejudice...and so I'm uncomfortable with them.
The situation I encountered with the deaf cashier was made more stressful by other things that were happening. How I came to realize the girl was deaf was because the customer in front of me was rolling her eyes and mouthing insults behind the girl's back. Though I wasn't certain whether the girl heard them, people have an instinct when people are making fun of them. Then another cashier came up and was yelling at the girl because she thought the girl was ignoring her--but the fact was, she was behind the girl, who didn't see her. By the time I reached the cashier, she looked like she was going to cry. Meanwhile, I was fighting an anxiety attack, "What am I going to do? Why did I get into this line? Okay, what do I know? I don't know if she has the implant...so I should face her so she can see me."
I put on what I hoped was a winning smile. I spoke normally and gestured to our cart, and I hoped that was the right thing to do. I didn't want to insult her, and yet I didn't want to have a problem with communication. The problem was, I had no idea what her capabilities were. Does she have the implant? Can she read lips? I didn't know.
Fortunately, I apparently did the right thing. She acted very grateful to us, and she remembers us when we come to the store. I was weak with relief that I had gotten through it, and my confidence got a little boost that yes, it is possible to overcome difficult social situations.
I was very happy when my friend's son wrote this next article, which helped reduced my anxieties. I love this quote, "If you meet one person with autism, you meet one person with autism." Frankly, this can apply to everyone if you substitute a different adjective or noun. Another sad fact of human nature is that we tend to base our beliefs about others on one example, which is particularly unfortunate if the example is a bad one. I am now subjecting my social ideas to the same standards of scientific testing to see if it is true--or I try to when I remember to do so. Hasty judgments are still easy to do.
The internet is bringing us together, and I feel a certain amount of optimism that many social difficulties will be resolved through it--despite the fact that there are those who also use it to abuse others.
The link to the new article--how to talk to someone with autism--can be found here:
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